I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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