At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im six kinds of drunk right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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