then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
