Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
