I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
