Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
