Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
