My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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