and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
