Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
