I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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