Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
