So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
