I'm so fucking centered right now
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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