so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Let's paint friendship bongs
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
