my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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