At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
