i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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