I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
