i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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