Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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