I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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