How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
