Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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