this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
