I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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