i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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