Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
