Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize