If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
