He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
