Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He did a backflip because drugs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize