is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
