Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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