I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
