On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
what day is it and did you see me today?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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