when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
