I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
