bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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