I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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