At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found the puke drawer
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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