who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
