if you like me you must not know who I am
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
