the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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