In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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