haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
