Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
