at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
