So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
