You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
