So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
