I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
