did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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