how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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