My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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