I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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