she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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