ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
