So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
