i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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