i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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