You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
