Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
