i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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