Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
