She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
